grumpy ning...

i'm just feeling sooooo grumpy today... just now at the make up session, i know i had that "what the F do u want " face.. haha i'm just not in the right mood.. coz so many things happened recently, and so many worries just started pilling on my back...

1st worry my dance... my goodness, on practise this thursday, not a lot of ppl turned up.. i was so disappionted and angry and frustrated, and worried of course.. but most of all, i started scolding myself... i thought, why did i even think about choreographing.. it's such hard work.. it's such a hobby thing, i cannot force my dancers to not come when they dont want to... i'm begining to dread every single dance practise for my item... there is just too much stress involved. i won't deny that this is good experience, but going thru it, like now, is just agony!!

i really really hope everything turns out fine in the end...

then next... my family... as mentioned..

then next, my moving hosue thing.. i wanna move out of CS, i wanna experience life outside student accommodations... but i have to convince my parents and my aunt and cousin first..

then next, is my studies of course.. i'm always worried for it.. my worrying for it never ends, and i think it shouldn't, it's the onli way that i can motivate myself to study..

sigh....... about dance... i just feel that ppl are getting sick of it. i'm also a little sick of it already. but i cannot wait for my performance and get it over and done.. sometimes i feel disrespected, as in. i feel that some dancers take my kindness for granted and not turn up whenever they dont want to. it really worries me so much.. especially when these pppl are the ones who dont really know their steps... production is just 3 weeks away... so so so so worried..

sometimes, i also feel disrespected coz i see almost full or full attendence in other dances btu not in mine, and it's alwasy the same few ppl... seriously, if they didn't like my dance, they should have just quitted long before i did all the blocking and such...

i guess some ppl are just not ready for committment.. they just wanna play, and are not very responsible ppl... then when they suddenly feel that they havent studied alot, they start studying at the most inappropriate of times.. like during make up workshops and such..

well i guess u guys dont know what the hell i;m taking about.. coz i'm feeling a little scatter brained today.. forgive me.

Cancer????

why? why? why? sigh,... my beloved grandma has cancer.. so sad right..

actually i found out 2 weeks ago that she had an operation to removed suspected cancerous lumps in her breasts. in other words.. she had her breasts removed.. sigh... at first, the doctors said that it was not cancerous..

but i just found out last night that it WAS cancerous.. the doctors just found out.. (what kind of doctors man...) and my grandma underwent MRI scanning to check if there are any cancer cells that have spreaded to her bones.. results are yet to be out.

also, she'd going for scanning again tmr, to check if her liver has any cancer cells..

i felt so sad... i knew breast cancer was common but i never thought that it would occur in my family...

first i thought about my grandma's life as i knew it.. she took care of me when my parents worked... she took care of my brother when my mom left and when my dad went to work overseas... now, she's still taking care of my brother like a baby although he doesn't need it anymore.. what i mean to say is that, she's overprotective of all of us... esp my brother..

i cannot tell you how much i lover her and appreciate her, despite all the times she made me cry by mentioning some terribly unhappy past about my parents break up.. she was the one who paid for my tuition fees, paid for my books, gave my pokcet money (in primary sch before my stepmom came into my life) etc.. i mean, she got the money from my dad and grandpa, but that's not the point.. and as much as she's incredibly naggy that it annoys me sometimes, i think she just cares too much for the family..

sigh.. i really hope the tests come out negative...

i dont ever want to stay here for good!

i'm serious,... i've been thinking about this matter for quite some time... and i've made a decision... i dont want to stay here, in melbourne, after i graduate. okie, maybe i'll stay for a while to earn my money(sch fees that i paid) back. and perhaps get a australian PR for fun, but i dont want to stay here for good.

today started out bad.... i had to wake up so early and reach the train station at 8.30 in the morning just to catch a train to werribee. werribee is the place in the suburbs where the uni of melbourne 's vet faculty is located. do you guys know that the bloody train ticket costs 10 dollars????? it's a "day" zone 1 plus 2 ticket. isn't is bloody expensive??? somemore, we are students but we dont have consession!!!! why? it's the bloody aussie system! the journey on trian lasted for 45mins or so, and as if it wasn't enough, we then had to walk a 30 min journey, on a pathway, which is not even a proper pathway, it was full of sand, grass and stones...

it was evident that no one here out in this far country side, walked. they all drive, and have carsssss!!!!!!!!!! i dont understand where the hell is my money from all my freaking expensive sch fees is going too?????? i mean, 32,000 aussie dollars a year from about 20 odd international students is certainly more than enough for the university to hire a bus for to transport us there right? it's just so GOD DAMN RIDICULUS!!! this long and tiring journey made me soooooooooooo grumpy just now,... considering the fact that i was up till3am in the morning, trying to finish my assigment! i also dont understand why we dont have consession??? in singapore, all students, regardless of whether you are international or not, have consession. i just feel so pissed that we are not allowed to have consession.

anyway, after another long train ride home, i went to subway to buy my dinner, first, the man who was serving me, kept talking to his friend, he literally ignored me, a customer, for about 5 mins. then when he asked me what i wanted to order, he just kept talking to his fren even as i was stating my order. i, being very polite, and knowing he wont be able to listen to my order when he's talking to his fren, and not wanting to repeat myself, i paused wheneevr he talked... then after he got my order, he asked if i wanted the sandwich to be toasted anot. but i couldn't hear what he was saying, so i thought he asked for my order again, so i repeated (with much frustration coz i was already tired, and he annoyed my mroe by ignoring me..). then he asked his question again and this time i got what he meant. by this time however, he face had already turned black...

he had that "bloody asian... so stupid, dont understand a thing i say" look on his face... i felt so angry.. like i'm the one who is suppose to be pissed, not you! asshole....

then again, i ccould be just sensitive to what others perceive as just non-racist irritated look. i donnoe...... all i know is that, i dont want to stay her after i graduate. all my bad experiences with racism just suddenly flashed in front of me while i sat on the tram, waiting to go home...

how can anyone, just decide to stay here, in this foreign country, living amongst ppl with totally different cultures and ways of life and thinking? how can ppl want to stay in a country with relatively marked racisim, right here in melbourne? how can they not mind being a 2nd class citizen? NOT ME...

i know that my mom wishes for me to stay here for good. sorry mom, i know you love this place. but i believe i've seen the ugly side here mroe than you, and i cannot, at all costs, stand to stay here for the rest of life.

do you guys even know about my racist experiences? okie, maybe i'll type it down some other time...

weight issues

i've always wished to loss a few kg, and return to my normal weight ~ 50kg (hey, i take it that what you read here remains here okie!!! dont go blabbering to other ppl)

and recently, i did return to somewhat near my normal weight.. i want to feel satisfied, but the constant images of thinner ppl haunt me!! i mean, if they get skinnier, i get fatter! right?

recently, i've learn of some o fmy frens becoming thinner and slimmer coz of work outs and stuff, and there even one fren who was so skinny she (not you sher..) looked bulimic or anorexic!!! there are also news of stars like linsay and nicole richie and hillary duff who have slimmed down so much!!!

do you guys know that 50Kg for my height is 1.5% overweight???????? yeah, that's what the bloody nurse in my secondary sch told me... i was like.. "give me a break man!!"

i've never really watched mmy diet intensively, i loveeeeeee to eat, jsut yesterday, i ate 3 big scopes of ice cream from gelatissimo, the store owner was so shcoked that she kept teasing me on how i managed to squeeze all that ice cream into my body, then someone on the road side joked: "it's in her hand bag! then today i ate 1/2 a large pizza for dinner!!!!

the onli excercise i do is dance, and i know after i stop my dance activities, i'm going to grow so damn fat! i need to find an interest in the gym soon, or i'll end up fat and ugly! but how? i've never enjoyed running aimlessly on the threadmill, i just feel that it's so boring!! besides, i dont have the stamina for it..

funny though, i have a lot of engergy in dance, my frens also say that my energy leel is very high in dance but i just cannot seem to find the same enthusiasium in the gym. but i know i have to find it soon!

as for my weight issues..... i thought i was over it, but it's suddenly back again,.. i know i'm not FAT. but compared to aot more other girls, i'm on the pump, meaty side. you get what i mean? and espcially when i go back to singapore, all the girls there are freaking skinny.. i feel so inferior. i need to find that confidence.. but where??? new clothes?(maybe.. *wink..)

fromnow on, i think i shall be a little more consicous about my eating habbits. at least dont eat too much unhealthy things... but somehow i know i wont follow hti splan for long.

one more thing. i use to wish i had longer legs... but something happened recently that made me change my mind. i went to the royal children's hopspital to perform for sick kids 2 weeks ago, i saw some disabled kids in wheelchairs, and the moment their parents saw us, they pushed their kids away. i felt sad that they weren't able to join in our dance... then i looked at my 2 legs and thought, "at least they can walk and run, and even dance.. i should be darn satisfied.."

there's no end to studying

there really isn't....

the moment i finish studying physiolgy renal, i have to start on immunophysiology, then later on., there are the constant anatomy practs to study fo, not forgetting biochem...

when will it end? when i die??????????

hahha.. kidding lah.. i will never take my life even if it kills me(haha.. so cheesy..)

coz i believe that the life you have is not yours. it was given to you, and it is only proper if you take good care of it. (",)

anyhow, i wish to comment on this word : RESPECT

why is it that some ppl do not respect other when they clearly deserve it? why is it that ... sigh,.. i dunnoe how to phrase this.. but.... yeah, i feel a litlle disrespect from some ppl whom i shall not name and reasons shll not be disclosed too.... sorry guys..

anywayz, the weather here is getting a litlle warmer!!!!!!!!!! yippe!!!!!!!!!!!!1 srping is already here! the flowers are all blooming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the cold (most of it) is gone, and sun shines on my happy face.. there's the occasional rain though... haha hope the weather will always be warm like today!

chaozzz