female pride

"My female pride…

Tells me that I must be very independent. Rely on no one, be strong, be successful on my own. But sometimes, I can’t help but feel small and vulnerable and in need of company. Like when I walk home alone at night.

Tells me not to be vain when I go to school. That dressing up for school is silly and needless. Who am I expecting to attract? Who is going to look at me? Even so, do I want their attention? That sort of attention? But sometimes, I can’t help but want to dress up, want to feel pretty. I may or may not want to attract attention, but I cannot deny the fact that I am very vain.

Tells me that dieting is for suckers. That I should eat whatever I want that makes me happy. That thin girls have drowned themselves in their own dieting misery of inner and outer voices that tell then that they’re fat when they’re not. But I am afraid of becoming fat. I am afraid of falling ill. So I watch my diet with much guilt that I know is unnecessary.

Tells me not to dwell in matter of the heart. That it is not important in life. at least not as important as my carreer and family success at this point. But sometimes, I can’t help but feel alone amonsgst my many friends. Can’t help but want to feel wanted, feel loved, feel taken care of. Then again, this would go against female pride number 1."

I wrote this on a set of lecture notes a few weeks back. My vet frens and I were talking about these feelings we get, and I’ve learnt that it’s called the female pride. Unlike the make pride, it established much later in human history. And unlike my frenz, this female pride is very very very strong in me. so strong that I have this intra-conflicts going on in my head all the time. It’s good to get them out. And I did get them out, in one AHM lecture when I wasn’t listening…