fairs
Melbourne show was sooooooooooooooo fun.... i realli wanted to huge soft-toys, but i didn't dare try.. i know i wont make it anyway... but i won some small toys, bought tonnes of posters, costumes, (black wings, red horns, ) and ate lots of great unhealthy food. at night we even went for dinner.
i had so much fun today. in constrast, i was miserable on thursday.
i'm sure someone noticed how puffy my eyes were on friday morning. if you didn't, it's prob coz i concealed it cleverly with my fringe.
i broke down 3 times on thursday. the simple reason being that, i felt extremely lonely. i so hate to admit this. but i just did.
i know how much some of my frens think that i'm strong, independent etc etc... BAh.. rubbish.. well yeah most of the time i am pretty emotionally independent coz of my fmaily background. but there are just times when i just feel soooooooo alone, that no body cares, that no one wants to go out with me, no one wants to spend time with me etc etc.
i was alone on last saturday ngiht, sunday, and the rest of the days except the days when i have flare. i shopped alone, i went grocery shoping alone, i went to walk in the park alone, i ate alone, and perhaps the whole thing just accumulated until i couldn't take it anymore on thursday.
normally i cope with my loneliness pretty well. i do stuff what make myself happy. i shop (alot), i eat chocolate, i pamper myself, putting masks, painting my nails etc but it just wasn't enough on thursday. and Junni's absence made it worst.
i did think of calling ppl out. i though of every single person i knew of, but i could imagine their answer of 'no' before i even get the guts to ask them. if it's not the boyfren/girlfren, it's work, it's schwork, it's other frens. it's these sort of situations that make me feel that although i have many many frenz, i'm still lonely.
to add to this, so many of my frens got hitched recently. hitched frens = less single frens to go out with me. No, dont tell me to get a bf just becoz of this. it's a stupid reason. (plus i have female pride) Thinking back to secondary sch days, i realised that i have this thing about 'hating my frens' boyfrens for a while'. it was out of pure jealousy. that he was "taking her away" from me. so far, it has happened dramatically 3 times. it doesn;t feel good at all... i remember sitting at starbucks cafe in singapore alone studying when normally i would be with one of my group frens.
i know i look extremely happy when i'm out with my frens. i did think if my extreme ups and downs are a sort of disorder.. like bipolar disorder.. but i looked it up, it isn't.
but asides all this, the truth is, i know that ultimately, i was the one who CHOSE to be alone. coz i wanted to do my work. but when i can;t do my work, i feel horrible and useless coz i'd feel like i wasted my time. and my loneliness just adds to my misery.
on thursday, i kept convinceing myself that i was okie. 'you're fine, u just want to call ur mom to talk, tmr ur going to eat pancakes with ur frens, u'll be fine, you're strong, you have to be,like how mum and dad and everyone else has been teling me, dont be the weakling, you're perfectly okie' well i clearly wasn't. my first 'elo' to my mum ended up in tears.
my stepmom worked overseas (in hongkong) alone for over 10 years. if there's anyone i should listen to about loneliness it's her. of course she comforted me with the usual stuff. that i'm never alone etc etc. but the most important thing i though she said. was that i have to learn to cope with my own loneliness. (she also gave me some money to spend. heee... she knows me best...)
later on, i talked to joon and to my elder cousin online ad again, the tears came. they prob didn;t know i was crying. (which is good) both of them told me that it was perfectly normal. but aren't my episodes of depression from loneliness bit too dramatic? COme to think of it, maybe it was trauma from my younger days... i remember sitting alone in my room one new year's eve. i was 10. my parents just divorced and my mom was gone somewhere and my dad was overseas working. my grandparents were sitting down watching tv and my maid was washing up the dishes. hearing voices of laughter and happiness, i looked out of my window and saw my neighbours having a bbq with their familes and frenz and i asked my maid whya re they were making so much noise. "they're just celebrating new year." i asked her why we weren't celebrating, she replied me something that i cannot rememebr. the next minute i knew, i was upstairs in my room sitting on the floor, leaning against the cupboard feeling odd. i knew i was angry (at my neighbours) but asides that i knew there was something else. i also remember tears. But now i know what that odd feeling was.. again, loneliness...
i guess the lesson i have to learn is that, if i CHOSE to be alone, i should not feel miserable. i must cope with it. or at least occupy myself with something. but i should realli learn to cope with this enemy of mine.
i had so much fun today. in constrast, i was miserable on thursday.
i'm sure someone noticed how puffy my eyes were on friday morning. if you didn't, it's prob coz i concealed it cleverly with my fringe.
i broke down 3 times on thursday. the simple reason being that, i felt extremely lonely. i so hate to admit this. but i just did.
i know how much some of my frens think that i'm strong, independent etc etc... BAh.. rubbish.. well yeah most of the time i am pretty emotionally independent coz of my fmaily background. but there are just times when i just feel soooooooo alone, that no body cares, that no one wants to go out with me, no one wants to spend time with me etc etc.
i was alone on last saturday ngiht, sunday, and the rest of the days except the days when i have flare. i shopped alone, i went grocery shoping alone, i went to walk in the park alone, i ate alone, and perhaps the whole thing just accumulated until i couldn't take it anymore on thursday.
normally i cope with my loneliness pretty well. i do stuff what make myself happy. i shop (alot), i eat chocolate, i pamper myself, putting masks, painting my nails etc but it just wasn't enough on thursday. and Junni's absence made it worst.
i did think of calling ppl out. i though of every single person i knew of, but i could imagine their answer of 'no' before i even get the guts to ask them. if it's not the boyfren/girlfren, it's work, it's schwork, it's other frens. it's these sort of situations that make me feel that although i have many many frenz, i'm still lonely.
to add to this, so many of my frens got hitched recently. hitched frens = less single frens to go out with me. No, dont tell me to get a bf just becoz of this. it's a stupid reason. (plus i have female pride) Thinking back to secondary sch days, i realised that i have this thing about 'hating my frens' boyfrens for a while'. it was out of pure jealousy. that he was "taking her away" from me. so far, it has happened dramatically 3 times. it doesn;t feel good at all... i remember sitting at starbucks cafe in singapore alone studying when normally i would be with one of my group frens.
i know i look extremely happy when i'm out with my frens. i did think if my extreme ups and downs are a sort of disorder.. like bipolar disorder.. but i looked it up, it isn't.
but asides all this, the truth is, i know that ultimately, i was the one who CHOSE to be alone. coz i wanted to do my work. but when i can;t do my work, i feel horrible and useless coz i'd feel like i wasted my time. and my loneliness just adds to my misery.
on thursday, i kept convinceing myself that i was okie. 'you're fine, u just want to call ur mom to talk, tmr ur going to eat pancakes with ur frens, u'll be fine, you're strong, you have to be,like how mum and dad and everyone else has been teling me, dont be the weakling, you're perfectly okie' well i clearly wasn't. my first 'elo' to my mum ended up in tears.
my stepmom worked overseas (in hongkong) alone for over 10 years. if there's anyone i should listen to about loneliness it's her. of course she comforted me with the usual stuff. that i'm never alone etc etc. but the most important thing i though she said. was that i have to learn to cope with my own loneliness. (she also gave me some money to spend. heee... she knows me best...)
later on, i talked to joon and to my elder cousin online ad again, the tears came. they prob didn;t know i was crying. (which is good) both of them told me that it was perfectly normal. but aren't my episodes of depression from loneliness bit too dramatic? COme to think of it, maybe it was trauma from my younger days... i remember sitting alone in my room one new year's eve. i was 10. my parents just divorced and my mom was gone somewhere and my dad was overseas working. my grandparents were sitting down watching tv and my maid was washing up the dishes. hearing voices of laughter and happiness, i looked out of my window and saw my neighbours having a bbq with their familes and frenz and i asked my maid whya re they were making so much noise. "they're just celebrating new year." i asked her why we weren't celebrating, she replied me something that i cannot rememebr. the next minute i knew, i was upstairs in my room sitting on the floor, leaning against the cupboard feeling odd. i knew i was angry (at my neighbours) but asides that i knew there was something else. i also remember tears. But now i know what that odd feeling was.. again, loneliness...
i guess the lesson i have to learn is that, if i CHOSE to be alone, i should not feel miserable. i must cope with it. or at least occupy myself with something. but i should realli learn to cope with this enemy of mine.
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