oh brother... where has your mind floated off to again???
hurray!!! my 2nd last paper just ended today and after that, I went out with my mom and brother. We went shopping at the city. Ha.. Bought a very nice pair of 3/4 pants!!
but when it was time for lunch.. I got soo irritated with my brother!! I was starving!! I needed to eat soon, I know my mom was hungry too. But we had to walk half an hour just to find a place where they sold something my brother ate! He's bloody fussy, so so so so much worst then me! He says he feels like eating cha sao rice, so my mom found this restaurant where it is sold, but there was nothing else interesting there. So I took them to other places. my mom had to stare at the menu for 5=10 mins before she made her decision. no! It's not my mum's fault, it's my brother's!!!!!!!!!!
he's so fussy!! Bloody, grossly horribly fussy!!!!! Black pepper beef means black pepper beef, no black pepper chicken for him. Pork chops means pork chops, no other form of chops, fried omelet egg means omelet egg style only, no other forms of egg, no sunny side up, no scambled eggs and so on! F**K!!!!!!!! I was so irritated with him! Why must we accommodate for this spoilt brat who doesn't even care for his own self???????
for example, while my mom was staring hard at the menu to see if there was something he ate, he was pracing around like a sissy, his mind has wondered off to another place, or else, he would be playing his game boy while walking, and my mom has to "drag" him around. He would cling on to my mom while my mom walks and "leads" him around. It doesn't bother him that that we are hungry, yet taking time to search for his food!!!! he's not appreciative, neither is he respectful! He would stand at places where he's blocking other people's way and not know it at all. People on the street have to shove him, say excuse me.. And so on just to get him out of their way. He is darn ignorant!!! In other words, he's blur!
if I tell him to stop pracing around, or stop blocking people's way, he would move off, then come to me and say "why don't you just tell them to go the other way" or come out with something "witty" which is actually acting dump! Ah!! He's a LOSER!
man.. Why am I sooooooo bothered???? so bothered to "make him a better, less weird" person??????? Because I don't him to be bullied at secondary school...
yes.. Those who knew me in secondary sch all know that I was a troubled teen... Lost in my own world. You know, it's funny how after so so so many years.. (hmm.. 4-6 years), everytime I think back about my secondary school life, it still hurts.. so much so that I think it has scarred my life for the future..
you know, many of you always look at me as the "cool, hip, happy" person right? (hey, don't deny that.. haha). It's a big contrast to my secondary 1 and 2 life. Man.. It's so complicated... But to put it in 1 sentence, I was a nerdy, bullied, low-self esteem, in-my-own-world, no frens(or rather, very little frens), blur girl...
my life in secondary 1 and 2 really cut me deep... I don't know how exactly to put it down coz there's just so many things.. but I want to write it out coz, I don't want it to trouble me anymore.. You know what I mean? yes.. this is the first time i'm writing it out in full, as much as I can.
about my secondary school life.. yeah, I entered the school not knowing anyone. (as always.. like my JC, and uni too..) I actually made some frens at the start. but my tuitions keep me back from mixing around with my frens after school and we grow apart. slowly, I felt that I was being bullied in class.. for example, after technical class, it was time for recess, and becoz I was going back to class to put my books down first, EVERYONE would pile their books on my hands for me to "help" them take it back to class.. at first I thought I was just being helpful, like, it really isn't a problem for me to help a couple of people take their stuff back to class. then one day the load was off balance and I nearly dropped it. then 3 angels came to help me, Cheryl, Melissa and Wendy. but I overheard Melissa say to Cheryl: "chuanning is so helpful, and yet they always say her..." And then silence.. suddenly it struck me that they were talking behind my back all the time and that the "cool" people on my class didn't think so much of me at all. I felt weird.. coz I AM weird..
another time.. this girl in class came up to me and commented.."are you ningning online" as in, is your nickname really ningning, I nodded my head, then she giggled and walked off.. like what????!!!!!! what does she mean? is she making fun of me? ah! And all I could do was sit there and ponder, I never defended myself, coz I didn't know who, and I don't have frens to back me up..
another time, another girl came up to me, and called my name. I looked at her and said "yes?" and she giggled again, "do you always look at people above your spects? like grandma" sigh.. so hurt.. so so so so hurt.
going to school everyday was a DRAG.. I hated it not becoz of class, it was becoz I hated recess, I hated the fact that I had no real frens, I hated everything in my life! People were mean to me, they bullied me, they teased and taunted me and I hated it all they couldn't do anything!!! i mean, i had sdome frenz, whom i wasn't close to at all.. and it was darn obvious that i was outcasted from the main group.
one unforgivable incident, my English teacher wanted us to write journals, so I took it seriously ans wrote almost anything I had to mind on the book. this included how I felt towards some people, how I felt towards you know.. a lot of stuff, when he handed the corrected books out to my classmates to hand them out for us, they would READ my journals!!! I recall suddenly, some people got angry with me and I didnt even know why? then I found out that they have been reading my journals.. It was so angry and scared..
at first,I thought I was uncool becoz, I looked nerdy, wore spects tied my hair up and wore a hairband as well. to be honest, I never thought why people didn't really like me till I went for this sch trip to china.. where I felt the real pain of frens disliking you. but it made me realise how much i want to have good true frenz.
however, in secondary 2, I was even more depressed. I still didn't make "progess" as in the people in class still didn't like me very much. not to say that they hated me, they just didn't want to be seen with me you know? And they already had their little groups fromed. I remember coming back from school, crying for 2 straight days, and I didn't even know why I was crying... like when I saw steph come back home, I would go talk to her and feel better. but no one in my family knew my problem, not even myself. I wasn't motivated to do anything, I didn't do my tuition work, my shcoolwork, I just laid on the sofa, crying. And.. yeah I did think that life was not worth living. I knew something was wrong, I thought of seeing a phycologist to find out what was wrong, but I know what my problem was now.. It was loneliness.. (again..)
come to think of it, maybe that's the reason why I HATE to feel alone at home in australia.. but right now, i'm used to it. coz ive grown up perhaps..
anywayz, from the start of secondary 2 till the midyear, I was a very depressed teenager. It had suddenly occured to me that I was uncool, outcasted and a loner with not much frenz. rememeber the 2 days straight coming home crying thing? that was monday and tuesday, then another few angels came to rescue me on wednesday. It was my dance frenz!!!! yeah, I went for my chinese dance lesson on wednesday and befriended diana, serine, meifang and some others. they weren't the usual people I knew coz they were from normal academic or normal tech students. but I was so touched by their warmth in welcoming me to dance. (I think it was onli the 3rd week of lessons.) that wednesday, I didn't cry, I was happy, coz I made some real frens. =)
then my "chance" came in mid secondary 2. hahah sounds corny but anyway, I suddenly got closer to melissa, the few angels in class. =) then I got closer to cheryl too, (then irene in secondary 3). It happened coz that group had a big fight with each other. that's when mel confided in me and that's how I got closer to her..
the rest is history, as in.. the rest of my secondary school life went rather smoothly.. my grades sky-rocketed, I made more frenz, I was more involved in dance and I even got a boyfriend.. hahaha... I was happy and fulfilled. my life was finally working out fine! my maid was the 1st to regconise the change. "you look alot happier this 2nd semester of secondary 2".. =) yesh.. I was a lot happier.
all in all... my experience in secondary school for that 1.5 years was hell. but it made me a better person. as in, I know how it feels like to be bullied and not helped and stuff... so I always tell myself that I wont do things to people that I won't do to myself. I also told myself that JC was a new start for me, so was uni. I made sure I had many frenz, I made sure I was good to people as they are good to me, if not better.
whao.. that's about it I guess... but I know there are still alot of things not written down.. maybe I just cannot remember them.. but everytime something happens to make me think back on these bad bad bad memories... It just hurts to so much.. guys I cannot tell you how much it hurts.. I swear... so pls, don't be mean to people in class whom you think are weird. I mean sure.. You don't get along with them.. but just don't bully them like how I was treated back then.
( unless of course they did something terrible to you in the 1st place.)
sigh.. when will these bad memories ever every go away??
but when it was time for lunch.. I got soo irritated with my brother!! I was starving!! I needed to eat soon, I know my mom was hungry too. But we had to walk half an hour just to find a place where they sold something my brother ate! He's bloody fussy, so so so so much worst then me! He says he feels like eating cha sao rice, so my mom found this restaurant where it is sold, but there was nothing else interesting there. So I took them to other places. my mom had to stare at the menu for 5=10 mins before she made her decision. no! It's not my mum's fault, it's my brother's!!!!!!!!!!
he's so fussy!! Bloody, grossly horribly fussy!!!!! Black pepper beef means black pepper beef, no black pepper chicken for him. Pork chops means pork chops, no other form of chops, fried omelet egg means omelet egg style only, no other forms of egg, no sunny side up, no scambled eggs and so on! F**K!!!!!!!! I was so irritated with him! Why must we accommodate for this spoilt brat who doesn't even care for his own self???????
for example, while my mom was staring hard at the menu to see if there was something he ate, he was pracing around like a sissy, his mind has wondered off to another place, or else, he would be playing his game boy while walking, and my mom has to "drag" him around. He would cling on to my mom while my mom walks and "leads" him around. It doesn't bother him that that we are hungry, yet taking time to search for his food!!!! he's not appreciative, neither is he respectful! He would stand at places where he's blocking other people's way and not know it at all. People on the street have to shove him, say excuse me.. And so on just to get him out of their way. He is darn ignorant!!! In other words, he's blur!
if I tell him to stop pracing around, or stop blocking people's way, he would move off, then come to me and say "why don't you just tell them to go the other way" or come out with something "witty" which is actually acting dump! Ah!! He's a LOSER!
man.. Why am I sooooooo bothered???? so bothered to "make him a better, less weird" person??????? Because I don't him to be bullied at secondary school...
yes.. Those who knew me in secondary sch all know that I was a troubled teen... Lost in my own world. You know, it's funny how after so so so many years.. (hmm.. 4-6 years), everytime I think back about my secondary school life, it still hurts.. so much so that I think it has scarred my life for the future..
you know, many of you always look at me as the "cool, hip, happy" person right? (hey, don't deny that.. haha). It's a big contrast to my secondary 1 and 2 life. Man.. It's so complicated... But to put it in 1 sentence, I was a nerdy, bullied, low-self esteem, in-my-own-world, no frens(or rather, very little frens), blur girl...
my life in secondary 1 and 2 really cut me deep... I don't know how exactly to put it down coz there's just so many things.. but I want to write it out coz, I don't want it to trouble me anymore.. You know what I mean? yes.. this is the first time i'm writing it out in full, as much as I can.
about my secondary school life.. yeah, I entered the school not knowing anyone. (as always.. like my JC, and uni too..) I actually made some frens at the start. but my tuitions keep me back from mixing around with my frens after school and we grow apart. slowly, I felt that I was being bullied in class.. for example, after technical class, it was time for recess, and becoz I was going back to class to put my books down first, EVERYONE would pile their books on my hands for me to "help" them take it back to class.. at first I thought I was just being helpful, like, it really isn't a problem for me to help a couple of people take their stuff back to class. then one day the load was off balance and I nearly dropped it. then 3 angels came to help me, Cheryl, Melissa and Wendy. but I overheard Melissa say to Cheryl: "chuanning is so helpful, and yet they always say her..." And then silence.. suddenly it struck me that they were talking behind my back all the time and that the "cool" people on my class didn't think so much of me at all. I felt weird.. coz I AM weird..
another time.. this girl in class came up to me and commented.."are you ningning online" as in, is your nickname really ningning, I nodded my head, then she giggled and walked off.. like what????!!!!!! what does she mean? is she making fun of me? ah! And all I could do was sit there and ponder, I never defended myself, coz I didn't know who, and I don't have frens to back me up..
another time, another girl came up to me, and called my name. I looked at her and said "yes?" and she giggled again, "do you always look at people above your spects? like grandma" sigh.. so hurt.. so so so so hurt.
going to school everyday was a DRAG.. I hated it not becoz of class, it was becoz I hated recess, I hated the fact that I had no real frens, I hated everything in my life! People were mean to me, they bullied me, they teased and taunted me and I hated it all they couldn't do anything!!! i mean, i had sdome frenz, whom i wasn't close to at all.. and it was darn obvious that i was outcasted from the main group.
one unforgivable incident, my English teacher wanted us to write journals, so I took it seriously ans wrote almost anything I had to mind on the book. this included how I felt towards some people, how I felt towards you know.. a lot of stuff, when he handed the corrected books out to my classmates to hand them out for us, they would READ my journals!!! I recall suddenly, some people got angry with me and I didnt even know why? then I found out that they have been reading my journals.. It was so angry and scared..
at first,I thought I was uncool becoz, I looked nerdy, wore spects tied my hair up and wore a hairband as well. to be honest, I never thought why people didn't really like me till I went for this sch trip to china.. where I felt the real pain of frens disliking you. but it made me realise how much i want to have good true frenz.
however, in secondary 2, I was even more depressed. I still didn't make "progess" as in the people in class still didn't like me very much. not to say that they hated me, they just didn't want to be seen with me you know? And they already had their little groups fromed. I remember coming back from school, crying for 2 straight days, and I didn't even know why I was crying... like when I saw steph come back home, I would go talk to her and feel better. but no one in my family knew my problem, not even myself. I wasn't motivated to do anything, I didn't do my tuition work, my shcoolwork, I just laid on the sofa, crying. And.. yeah I did think that life was not worth living. I knew something was wrong, I thought of seeing a phycologist to find out what was wrong, but I know what my problem was now.. It was loneliness.. (again..)
come to think of it, maybe that's the reason why I HATE to feel alone at home in australia.. but right now, i'm used to it. coz ive grown up perhaps..
anywayz, from the start of secondary 2 till the midyear, I was a very depressed teenager. It had suddenly occured to me that I was uncool, outcasted and a loner with not much frenz. rememeber the 2 days straight coming home crying thing? that was monday and tuesday, then another few angels came to rescue me on wednesday. It was my dance frenz!!!! yeah, I went for my chinese dance lesson on wednesday and befriended diana, serine, meifang and some others. they weren't the usual people I knew coz they were from normal academic or normal tech students. but I was so touched by their warmth in welcoming me to dance. (I think it was onli the 3rd week of lessons.) that wednesday, I didn't cry, I was happy, coz I made some real frens. =)
then my "chance" came in mid secondary 2. hahah sounds corny but anyway, I suddenly got closer to melissa, the few angels in class. =) then I got closer to cheryl too, (then irene in secondary 3). It happened coz that group had a big fight with each other. that's when mel confided in me and that's how I got closer to her..
the rest is history, as in.. the rest of my secondary school life went rather smoothly.. my grades sky-rocketed, I made more frenz, I was more involved in dance and I even got a boyfriend.. hahaha... I was happy and fulfilled. my life was finally working out fine! my maid was the 1st to regconise the change. "you look alot happier this 2nd semester of secondary 2".. =) yesh.. I was a lot happier.
all in all... my experience in secondary school for that 1.5 years was hell. but it made me a better person. as in, I know how it feels like to be bullied and not helped and stuff... so I always tell myself that I wont do things to people that I won't do to myself. I also told myself that JC was a new start for me, so was uni. I made sure I had many frenz, I made sure I was good to people as they are good to me, if not better.
whao.. that's about it I guess... but I know there are still alot of things not written down.. maybe I just cannot remember them.. but everytime something happens to make me think back on these bad bad bad memories... It just hurts to so much.. guys I cannot tell you how much it hurts.. I swear... so pls, don't be mean to people in class whom you think are weird. I mean sure.. You don't get along with them.. but just don't bully them like how I was treated back then.
( unless of course they did something terrible to you in the 1st place.)
sigh.. when will these bad memories ever every go away??
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home