ups and downs

thursday: up, up, up, then DOWN, DOWN

friday: down, down, up, down

saturday: up, down, down, DOWN, DOWN, up

sunday: up, up, up, down

the extremes of ups and down are really getting to me. scratched my car.. a sudden house problem.. then ups with hopes of possible housemates.. then they all say no in the end and i go down again...

sometimes i feel that i have no purpose living in the city anymroe. i am losing all my frens here. they dont include me in theri little dinners or things or we dont do the same things anymore. then sometimes i feel that the city still has a space for me, that i still have some frens here. but sometimes i feel that they are not here when i need them. or at least that by the time they realise it's too late. i feel abandoned every now and then. as though they have forgotten me.

i know people are moving on. they have their own frens now, their new clicks. while i'm still trying to hang on to some stuff that are obviously trying to drift away from me. this feeling of abandonment i get every now and then makes me feel that i should just stay in werribee. i mean.. would you rather sit alone in a room full of ppl you dont know or sit alone in a room full of ppl you know who dont want to sit with you for whatever reason?

sometimes i feel that some people are actually annoyed with all my crying and sad things. they act as though i'm not there or do or say things that make me feel so left out. i have nothing to say to them. they have no idea what i am going thru. they have no idea about anything in my life that is sad or happy. they dont know.

another thing is, i cannot stand it (a positive way) whenever someone asks "are you okie?" because i'm obviously not. to me.. asking me that qns just makes me think of all the horrible things that happened to me so far and i'm like realli trying to control my emotions here. i'm the kind of person that.. if you say "dont cry", i have this tendency to cry even more. i dunnoe why.. it justs gets to my emotions. it's not that i dont want anyone to not say " are you okie?" i mean.. that's like the nicecess thing int eh world to say to a sad girl. just that.. it touches me soo much that i tend to tear.

i'm sorry for leaving a grad photo taking session like that. it wasn't my intention to do that. it's just that.. all that "are you okie?" qns really got me thinking of my problems. and i'm not ready to face them without crying and breaking down yet. there i just did it again.. i typed the word cry and i nearly teared. Sheesh what the hell is wrong with you chuanning?

everyone looked so happy there i didn't want to spoil the fun and be the wet blanket. sigh.. i hate to say this but happy ppl around me making alot of happy noises when i'm depressed doesn't help either. then someone asked me to organise something and i couldn't take it anymroe. Me? organise something? will ppl come? will ppl bother? who am i? i mean.. do they even care? it just got me thinking of all my frens and how i was loosing them. i guess that's the problem with joining a group. once you stop activities with them, it stops too. also.. someone was very insensitive and mentioned that i should move to werribee becoz i was MIA.... yeah thanks a lot.

i know some of them are genuinely concerned. 1 called, 1 msn-ed (thanks..). some asked my cousin (thanks but i dunnoe who u are). so thank you.

ahhh.. my house my house my house. first there was this 2 girls who might want to share the room. but in the end they wanted their own room. then there was lisa's fren. in the end she said no coz she said she doenst want to stay with someone she doesn't know. it's just heart breaking to have hope and then see that hope wash away like that. i keep thinking about who my new housemate is going to be? if it's someone i dont know then will we get along? will i drift away from my frens even mroe since the new housemate is not from any part of my previous group? will she be honest? is she nice? ahhhh now i know the fears of taking a new housemate in (i'm sorry estella..)

all i can tell myself now is to cope. do things that make me feel good. study, eat well, live well, pamper myself, exercise (right), have fun and make new frens. it's time to move on.

i hope a get a good housemate soon