misery is what i am made of

I am not kidding, i am a bad luck magnet. Anna Nicole smith could have died just becoz i pitied her.


my blogger didnt work for 2 days. it onli managed to start working and i dont know what the fucking problem is.


why? why am i soooooo unlucky? what? coz i dont realli believe in God? coz i am born on a 13th? coz of my name which doens't sound very nice and 'good' in cantonese?


i was whining everything in a cluttered mess in my other blog coz there are some things i realli would not want to say here. but heck i'm going to say it anyway.


Sigh right now.. it's friday night and i'm all alone, talking to my cat, watching dvds, walking around in my new pair of shoes from scooter (my onli consolation for today). eveyone is offline but me. why? coz everyone is out but me.


"why?" i asked myself. okie, i can try to be optimistic and say "you know, sometimes you could use some time alone, do things, sort things out, talk to your family, iron, wash clothes, vacuum, do mroe house chores, study when you can, listen to music, etc etc.." But usually(and especially at this low in my life/year), I just think, "you're a loser ning"


seriously, 22yo, alone on friday night, talking to your cat, watching dvds, flipping thru TV channels.. i think "why am i rotting my life away?" where are those fabulous parties/dates/bars/gatherings that a 22yo should be going to, should be invited to, should be asked out for, why am i not asked to go out to party/eat/hang??


I know it's okie for some people to stay home on a friday and saturday nights doing nothing, relaxing, watchign tv alone. but i cannot. It leaves me feeling that i have done nothing productive/fun, that i'm not living life to its fullest. Maybe i just have alot of energy. That's why i cannot sleep at night nowadays, if the energy is not used up, how can i sleep?


I'm sorry to all my friends who read my blog regularly. I know it's always sad. But please dont feel bad or anything. the last thing i want is for my frens to read my blog and be overly concerned. I'm fine. I just.. breakdown/meltdown very very often. I'm going thru a very unstable part of my life. If you really wanna help, just talk to me and hear me whine. it will help heeps.


okie, i have more sad stuff. today, i got the call from Honda, wednesday is the lastest i can get my car. but problem, my class ends at 5pm on wed and it's an Avian prac that i seriously do not want to skip. i only get that many chances of handleing birds and i'm not giving that up. so i asked for thursday instead. this means that i cna to rent a car shared with my fren, and drive to sch everyday form monday to thurs. That was the initial plan, then i found out very sadly that all the car rental people do not rent cars out to P drivers. which means i cannot rent the car. I was in dawn's place and nearly had another breakdown. "we're screwed!!!!!!!" i yelled. Then i thought of anyone who could borrow a car for us and let me drive it. thankfully Pris agreed, so did Am dear. Rani was 2nd on my list of people to ask actaully. but pris agreed. I cannot thank her enough, she practically saved my life.


I dont wanna sound like a brat, but the train ride to werribee is very depressing. It's long, 45mins. plus (the horrible part that is realli realy depressing) the fatc that i have to wlak for 20mins on grass from the train station to school. There is no pavement for pedestrians. sheesh with this sort of place, who expects anyone to not drive anwyay? Today i was feeling depressed adn upset after i got the news about my car that i absolutely had no mood for mroe lessons. Dawn didn;t mind going home too. so we both headed home at about 11.30am. sigh.. depressed depressed depressed is all what i think about when i think about this matter. That's why i refuse to take the train there. it's just damn depressing. i appreciate the fact that my frens who have cars offer me a ride to the train station but it's really depressing there. the dodgy people, the relatively slow train ride, the screaming kids. sigh


ahhhhhhhhhhhhh i am cursed, i am a bad luck magnet! I hate my life! My cousin told me to put my chin up, "getting a new car is something to be realli happy about.." yeah.. well, but I'm been struck down with just too many sad/bad/unlucky things. i have absolutely no mood for anything good anymore.


Another thing, i have no plans for tmr, which means nothing to look forward to. But it's cool.. i worked that out. i'll try going jogging at the park, i'll try reading and studying (i realli should if i want to keep up)


but the looming date i've never looked forward to in my entire life is coming, Valentine's day. yeah... I have to be honest. i hate that day. why? coz i associate that day with rejection, dissappiontment, loneliness, and desperation. "Rejection" coz more often than not, the person you like doesn not like you back and it's bloody obvious and revealed on that day. "dissappointment" becoz i found out that i dont have admirers, happy and sad at the same time. "loneliness" coz i chose it yet i hate it. "desperation" coz i dont wanna feel those things above but at the same time feel that if i confrom to the valentine's mood i am a desperadoe.


gettit gettit? yes my mind is COMPLEX. my values and ideas are jumbled up and contradict each other.


thank goodness my wed class ends at 5pm and by the time i get home, it's all dinner, work, sleep. no room for nothing. good.


i really hope things look up soon..