big bum

i have a enormous ass. or in words of ness, a bhuge one. i'm serious. at first i thought it was the green room mirror. then i realised that my ass looked just as big if not bigger in dance studio.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh recently ive been feeling damn fucking fat! it's not true i know coz i am 1 kg lighter than the last 2 years. i am 54 now, not 55 (slight yeah). maybe it's all the skinny people that are in the dance floor. i feel enormously humongous. my arms, my legs, my BUM! even my boobs are too big!

"but it's nice" "but.. you're sexy" "but guys like that" "why you girls like to be skinny? we like bit of meat"

NONSENSE!

that is what they SAY. but not what they LIKE FOR REAL.

then again, why the heck am i bothered about what they think? i shouldn't bother! but i am vain and it bothers me that i dont look good to ppl and myself!

when i wear skinny jeans it totally pops out so horribly!!!!! so i can;t wear skinny jean. aiyah my bdy is just wierd. i have smaller waist but twice as big legs as most of my frens!

fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat.........................................................

sigh.. recently i've been having these "crashes". it's the kind of mood swing when suddenly i feel damn damn down. it happens when i suddenly realise something. like suddenly i'm the onli single girl, suddenly i have the lowest score, suddenly i am too old for this, suddenly i am left out, suddenly i'm ugly, suddenly i'm fat, suddenly i'm alone.

it usually occurs after a zenith of happiness/highness.

whenever i get that, my first instinct is to run and get myself out of there. but mroe often than not i dont coz i know i can't. i can't get out of the studio or class halfway just to go the the toilet and brood over it. i can't stop driving halfway in the highway. i can't not go out when agreeded.

so i wait till this crash goes off then things get back to normal.

it's bad.. i feel terrible whenever that happens. i hope it doens;t happen so often anymore