utter confusion

feeling utterly confused now... just like my hair.. one side is striaght, and the other side is curly.

maybe it's whole bloody heavy workload i have, maybe it's the loneliness of walking home alone just now, maybe it's my fear of failing or retaining, and the sudden realisation that i will have to work my ass off for this exam period just to pass. and for that i may not even pass. it's also the suddenly feeling of being no longer part of a group, the fear of disappointing my parents, the fear of the holidays spent here and nto going back to singapore, arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh just so many things..

then just now, after the movie with my frens, i had to go home to study while they went out. it felt so so so so sad to walk home alone. but i had things to study, i MADE this choice to isolate myself to study. but then , i didn't have a choice.

seee what i mean? it's all jumbled up. i really feel like releasing this inner frustration. but how can i release it when i dont even know what it is?

and to make matters worst, i just watched x-men. it was a fantastic show.. but the ending was so so so sad.. why did jean and scott have to die? i know they will die in the end but why so soon??? and the professor too! well the professor will live in th end i think. but i was disappointed to not see some x-emn in action. where was nightcrawler? why didn't mistique, rouge, etc etc etc fight???

hmmmmm maybe it's just this frutrating exam period.. no one except for vet students, has an idea of how much work we have. how much we have to remember, how much the vet faculty expects of us. and how inferior i feel. i'm studying with the cream of the crop of melbourne/australia. and i'm just this neighbourhood sch kid could couldn't even pass her chinese! i really start to wonder if i will ever make it? will i just waste 3 years here trying too hard, pushing myself to hard when i know i wont make it?

i will still study my very hardest this semester. but all i hope for is to pass.